Letter #10: A Path to the Future

Dear Oahn,

If I had a choice, all the decisions that I have already made, I would change them. At least, all my bad decisions. I think that if a genie came to me and offered me a wish that could change my life forever, I don’t know which one I would make. If I have the choice to stay on Zwilling or to go to Alzuza, would I take the choice of staying or leaving? If I had the choice to choose between my current life or the one I dream of having, which one would I choose? If I had the choice between different jobs, which one should I choose to represent me the most? If I had the choice, which one would be the right one?

First of all, I could not choose between Zwilling and Alzuza. Zwilling is my home. It’s here I have lived. It’s where I realized that life will never be easy and that I will have to fight every minute to stay alive. This is where I found the place that allows me to forget all my demons. Where the impossible has become possible. This is the place where I lived the horrors of destiny but also its wonders. Then… Alzuza is the place where I dream of going. The place that my heart wants to discover. The wild place that calls my soul. The place where the challenges of life lie. The place where the continuity of destiny is. The place where the future takes shape.

Secondly, everyone would want once in their life change the course of the latter. To change the monotony of their daily life, whether it be through a trip, a love, the departure of something toxic. But each time they are asked if they prefer their lives filled with darkness or the one bathed in light, they always answer the darkness. Why? Because darkness cannot exist without light, and light cannot exist without darkness. And then, when your end comes, you realize that your life has been beautiful. Maybe you didn’t always love it, but it was enough for you and that’s why you never wanted it to change. So what would be best for me? To continue my current life or to start another one? The choice is quickly made.

Thirdly, many  things interest me. Which one of these things would be the representative of who I am? Justice, would it be enough for me to take care of others? To understand the human mind, would it be enough for me to finally understand the world? To be responsible for the words, the acts of others, would it be enough to ensure them the best of protections? To study unusual subjects, would it be enough to keep me awake? To communicate emotions, to expose my thoughts, would it be enough to release the weight that suffocates my heart and my sould? To get in contact with the world of the dead and criminology, would it be enough to increase my gratitude for life? Which one of these job definisions would be best for me? Where would I feel most fulfilled?

If I had the choice, I wouldn’t know where to go. Choosing which path to take is not an easy decision. Choosing to go to the right or to the left can change your life forever and for now, I prefer to keep walking one the road that faces me.

If I had the choice, I wouldn’t take any, preferring the wind to carry me.

If I had the choice, everything would be so much easier.

If I had the choice, the current present would be totally different.

– Andros

Letter #9: A Night In A Park

Dearest You,

Tonight I looked at the stars. I didn’t know what I was looking for; maybe your smile, your eyes. I didn’t know what I expected from them; maybe to hear your voice, your laughter.

Tonight I stared at the stars. I saw many shapes and I though of you. I was wondering where their paths led. I was wondering if there was a way to you.

Tonight face to the night sky, I closed my eyes. I stopped looking at the stars. Why? Because I couldn’t hear your voice nor your laughter. I couldn’t find your smile nor your eyes. But this picture gave me more than what I was looking for.

Tonight, behind my closed eyes I touched you. I had a connection with you. I was able to feel you. Yes I couldn’t see your picture in the sky or find my way to you thanks to the stars, but deep down, in a way it’s impossible to prove anything, the night led me to you. Behind my closed eyes I was able to see you. Your bright silhouette. I could see your eyes shine like those stars. I could see your smile as beautiful as the full moon. I could feel your soul near me.

Tonight, I could have slept on that bench, in a park, waiting for you.

Tonight, on that bench, I could have waited to hear your footsteps on the ground.

Tonight, on that bench, I could have waited to hear the wind bring me the sound of your breathing.

Tonight, on that bench, I could have waited the sun to rise.

Tonight, on that bench, I could have waited to feel you sit next to me.

 

The other half

Letter #8: The Hidden Thoughts of a Star

Dear People,

I made my dream come true. When I was little I never thought that making your dream come true meant to be famous. I didn’t know it was all about money and fame. When I was little the only thing I could think of was that make my dream come true meant to be happy. To live in happiness thanks to what I always wanted to do. But I was wrong…

I always remained myself. To be true to the world. I never forgot my familly and my friends when I was on the other side of the earth. I never spoke badly about the persons around me and the ones who were part of my life. I’ve always been grateful for the opportunities, for what I got and I didn’t get, for having the chance to be alive and to live something so special and magical. That’s true I felt lucky, but all of this was it enough? All of this did really build my happy place? All of this was it necessary? At the beginning, I only wanted to make my dream come true. That’s all. Red carpets, parties, money, golden glitter, fake smiles, glasses of champagne, what are they after all? This is not I wanted in my young age…

Today I got all I’ve always wanted. I succeeded. But I can’t stop thinking of this: am I still human? Because in the eyes of everyone I don’t look like I am. Unfortunately, that’s the fuck**g truth: I AM HUMAN. It’s not because you see me on the big screen or in the street on giant posters or walking against the flow, that I’m an object. I am like you. Yes, I got lucky to make my dream come true. Yes, I knew the risks, but in no case I ever thought that the human being could be so cruel and inhuman. I am human. I tried, I fell down, I got up and I moved forward. I am human and you treate me like an objet, a poor doll that you can drag in the mud in rainy weather or abandon it in the sandbox. Unfornately, you have forgotten that I also have a heart et you trampled it. You crashed it and reduced to dust. I’m able to love, to hate, to admire. Capable of expressing feelings and emotions and you just believed I couldn’t because this is what the world wants you to think. I have a family, friends and propably a lover and you forget it. You forget you can hurt me. You can kill me with all your words. You forgot I was human…

I’m so ashamed of you. I’m so afraid now. If I decide to leave my house, what will happen to me? I’m afraid to see a dozen of persons jump on me. I’m afraid to see hundred of phones against my face. I have to tell you, this behavior really disappoints me. It disgusts me.

You are supposed to be my friends, my family, but in the end, who are you? Who are you to hurt a person that you are supposed to love, admire, support? Who are you? Do you think it is a thing to do? Do you think it is a behavior to have? Have you ever thought it was wrong? Bad? Even worse, a total disrespect? I can’t recognize you anymore. I expected so much and now I realized I was so blind to only think I could make my dream come true and live a happy life. I was such a fool. So young… Such a dream requires so much risks and concessions. I trusted you. I put my heart, my trust in your hands and you just destroyed them. I TRUSTED ALL OF YOU! Every soul, every heart! Every eye! I admired you, but now, what am I supposed to think? What am I supposed to do?

I just asked for a bit of respect, love, support and help.

 

Every single famous person around the world

P.S.: Was it too much to ask?

Letter #7: The Wings of Heaven

“- Let people think what they want to think. They do not know what you are living, what is really going on in your daily. The most important thing Thomas is that you must remember that you are never alone. Nobody is ever alone.

– What do you mean?

– Every human being on earth has either a gardian angel, or a spiritual guide. Some of them have both. That you see or not the helpers of the Lord, doesn’t mean that you are left to your own devices right after your birth.”

Letter #6: A Memory From The Past

Janvier 1943, dans une soute d'un bateau

Mon Amour,

Il y a bien des jours que je ne vous ai pas écrit, j’ai essayé de trouver le temps de m’asseoir, de prendre un petit bout de papier et un crayon pour vous conter ce qu’il se passe réellement ici. Malheureusement, ces dernières semaines, aucun de nous a eu une seule seconde de repos. Nous étions toujours sur le pied de guerre, littéralement. La journée quand le rare silence nous faisait somnoler, nous parcourions des kilomètres dans la boue et l’eau. La nuit venue, c’était les coups de feu et les bombes qui nous réveillaient en sursaut, nous empêchant d’avoir une bonne nuit de sommeil. Je dois vous l’avouer, ça était très difficile ces dernières semaines. La guerre, mais surtout l’inquiétude de savoir que vous devez mourir de peur pour moi, regardant par la fenêtre à la recherche du facteur, vous amenant une lettre où se trouvera mes nouvelles. Je vous vois vous mordre la lèvre inférieure, espérant qu’on ne vous annonce pas ma mort. J’ai tant attendu si vous saviez! J’attendais, chaque jour, de pouvoir vous écrire. Je priais pour pouvoir vous écrire une toute dernière fois, vous montrant que vous étiez ma dernière pensée.

Aujourd’hui nous avons quitté les terres. Nous ne savons pas où nous allons. La seule direction que nous a donnée le capitaine est que nous faisons route vers le nord. Nous ne savons pas ce qui nous attend là-bas. Nous avons tous une petite idée, mais la révéler ferait remonter d’atroces souvenirs… Je ne saurais vous dire quel jour et quel mois nous sommes. Je sais juste qu’il fait extrêment froid de l’autre côté de l’océan. La neige tombe à chaque ville où nous nous arrêtons. Le feu de cheminée de la maison me manque. Le calme de la vie rurale me manque. Votre voix me manque. Votre rire, vos sourires, vos yeux bleus comme le lagon me manquent.

Je continuerai de prier pour que la guerre cesse; pour que vous restiez saine et sauve sur le continent. Je regarderai les étoiles sur les champs de bataille, pensant à vous. Et je garderai la promesse de vous écrire une lettre à chaque fois que j’en aurais l’occasion.

Dans l’espoir de vous revoir très vite.

A vous pour toujours,

Charles

Letter #5: The Birth of a Life

My dearest child,

When you were in my belly, your father used to say you will do great things. At night, he laid down and put his ear against my skin and he just listened to you while he whispered you stories. Me, I didn’t do much. Most of time, I sang to you. I told you my daily and how impatient I was to meet you. I dreamt as well. I imagined you walking, running around us, your parents, around the world, smiling, laughing. I just imagined you be happy.                 When you were in my belly, I didn’t know if you were a boy or a girl, but frankly, I didn’t care. Boy or girl, you were my child and no matter who you were, as soon as I knew for my pregnancy, I knew I will love you no matter what and I will always protect you and I will care about you forever. That was the only though I had and that I still have when I look at you, my dear child.

Once you arrived into this world, you first cried, then someone put you in my arms and you suddenly became quiet. You opened your little eyes and I saw the light of life. I saw the desire to live. I saw a soul takes life. You were so beautiful that day, such a fragile and small creature.

Then days passed. Weeks. Months. And now years. Yoou grew up so fast my dear child. As a parent, we never want our children to become adults. We want them to remain children. Young and in good health. But we also know that we don’t make children for ourselves. So one day or another, we have to say goodbye to them. That’s a hard day to live for a parent but that’s life.                                                                                                                          Since then, I never stopped thinking about my role as a mother. Was I enough? Was I good? Did I show enough love? Did I raise you well? I couldn’t stopped thinking about my influence on you, if I would be a good mother. A mother who would give you enough love, protection, happiness. I was so worried when you were in my belly, when you were walking, when you were hanging out with your friends and now you are far away from home. I was wondering if I gave you enough rules or maybe I was lax with you. Luckily your father were always there to remind me how amazing I was as a mother. He reminded me this desire to have a baby that I had when I was in my younger age. He reminded me the sparkle I had in my eyes when I talked about this desire. How much I was impatient and how much I would have been proud to be a mother. He reminded me the doubts I had and the fears to become an excessive mother. He reminded me so many things about this that he helped me through this journey.

Today you became a beautiful soul. You grew up like the person you wanted to be. You spread your wings and you did it wonderfully. My beautiful child, you are so amazing. You are the light of my life. You are the song that is stuck in my head. You are the melody of my heart.

My dear child, beyond all my fears and doubts, after all I did for you, remember, in this vast world you will never be alone and wherever you are, stars will always guide you home, the wind will tell you how much I tried to be as good as my mom was with your oncle and I and how much I prayed to raise you in happiness, respect and love.                         Never forget: above the clouds, angels are watching over you. Forever.

With all my love,

Mom

Letter #4: One Glance

Dear stranger,

I walked in the street, the wind ruffling my hair, the chin in my coat, and then I looked up and I saw you. You were walking in front of me. You walked pass me and yet our eyes met. They met, I can tell it. Your wild and mysterious eyes met my warm and discipline look.

You could tell me it was just a glance, but I don’t think it was. While you kept walking away from me and me from you, we started to contort ourselves to keep staring at each other. Our eyes didn’t want to say goodbye to each other. I can tell it was difficult for me to turn my look away. It was like you hypnotized me. That your eyes hypnotized me and kept me prisoner in sort of a prison, just like pirates on a boat staring at a very beautiful and charming siren singing on a rock.

In that look, I saw all the desire we had for each other. I saw a fire. A huge fire. I saw danger but also safety. I wanted to stay in that look. I wanted to keep drowning. Until my death come? I don’t know, maybe. But if I had wanted to be sure, I should have kept drowning.

Once the connection’s gone, I wanted to turn around and chase you. I wanted to know you. But I knew you were just a one time in this universe. You were the beginning and the end in just a second. You were a second among several others in the day. And yet you were the most beautiful and interesting one.

In that street, in the middle of winter, you were the stranger that I saw for the first and last time in my life. You were the stranger I wanted to run after and know. The stranger who could have changed everything. Become everything. But you were just a second, a moment in that wind. You were just a glance.

Another stranger.

 

P.S.: If fate allows us to meet again, then, this time, I wish we weren’t just a glance.

Letter #3: Dear Loved One

Lennan,

Where do I start ? This is the question I have been asking myself continuously since your meeting. Where do I start to start the conversation ? Where do I start to make the first move ? Maybe when I asked myself this question, I should have stopped thinking and just… go for it. Or start at the beginning.

You will never know me as much as I know myself, and yet you are the person who knows the most about me, while we have never qualified our relationship. To say that we get along more than well, it is not admit that we are friends or something close to that term. I have also, a lot and often, asked myself this question : « What are we ? ». When you meet someone, you can quickly answer to this question ; unfortunately with you, I never knew how to answer it. Perhaps because there has always been something more…

You know, in itself, nothing is complicated in our relationship ; we say hello to each other, we talk to each other. However, behind this civilized behavior, everything is complicated. New thing that you need to know, the speaking thing and I don’t see eye to eye. I rather write down my words than say them out loud. So yes I am aware that I should have shown who I really was. The big-mouthed girl that everyone is talking about. But, when it comes to intimacy, that girl disappears. You know that I am shy, that I don’t go to people, so imagine all of this when feelings come into it. The picture is created quickly in the mind…

I rarely lay myself bare ; this being said, I only do it when this is necessary. When I cannot hold what’s happening in me, in my body as well as in my mind. The only time I wrote this kind of letter was for my brother. So maybe you should feel privileged. It’s up to you.

Anyway. I don’t know if you believe in fate or that kind of things. To believe in it you have to be a believer, or believe in everything out of the ordinary. But since destiny, fate is more about religion and I know you’re not a believer, then maybe you don’t believe in it either. But who am I to really know you ?

All of this to come to the point that I realized that you didn’t come into my life by chance. You will find it stupid or completely crazy, but at first, I have to admit it, I didn’t care about you because I liked your brother (but I don’t tell you anything you don’t already know, do I?). It’s also true that I have affirmed that I could never be with you or love you. I was so wrong.

The more we talked, the more you asked me those very private and yet very explicit questions. So my heart started to open to let you in. It lowered all the barriers, letting you see who I really was.

I know that for many people you cannot love someone if you’re not dating them, but for me it’s the opposite. I have to feel something for that person to be with them. Whether or not I really know what it is, isn’t important. I just need to know that it’s a strong enough feeling to allow me to go further with someone.

So with all our conversations, all your gestures (looks, smiles, body language, reactions), everybody could see that something was happening. Some even thought we were in a relationship. I saw something was happening. We all saw it. Unfortunately for me, you denied the existence of this feeling. You got scared. Whatever the reasons, that it is because of the age difefrence, the fact that you don’t want to lose the relationship you have with my brother, to disappoint my parents or I don’t know what else. Regardless of the reasons you have and the desire I have to discover them, I finally understood that even if we want to be together, we would need such courage, going so far beyond ourselves that it is impossible for us. I understood that fate has brought us together for a certain reason that I didn’t discover yet and this reason may not be love.

I swear I’m trying to forget my feeling for you, that it is too stupid to say that I love you. But this is a fact Lennan. This is a huge fact that my heart cannot forget. You cannot know what you make me feel. So much so that I have never felt so good with a person. How good it is to say that you are doing well ; that this well-being is when a person removes all the darkness that lives in you.

When I’m by your side, I no longer think about my anxiety, my problems, everything that darkens my soul. By your side there is only the good.

And I know that if something was happening between us, the only word that crosses my mind is : happiness. This is what I feel.

Destiny has surely brought us together to know us a little more ourselves, to better move on in our own lives, and because of this , I am delighted to have met you. Delighted to have shared my life and that you accepted me as I am.

I will always be grateful to you Lennan . And no matter where your life brings you, promise me that you will live without limit, that you will love without putting barriers, but above all that you will let yourself be happy, in all areas of life.

Last point, do not ever tell a person that they are the ideal one if it is not to build a story afterwards.

With all my love,

Venus

Letter #2: Note To A Life

I am afraid. So afraid. When I look at the sky, before it was blue; today, I can’t even see it anymore. It is not cloudy or dark. It’s like if this blue stretch became the side of a giant transparent cube, in which I only can see the void. When I look at my feet, the ground doesn’t exist anymore. It changed, just like the sky. I am afraid to move forward now. I don’t know where my path is. Everything is blurry around me and it makes me anxious. Should I go to my left or my right? Is the right direction, on the contrary, is to keep walking straight ahead?

At family dinners, sat down in the middle of no less than ten people, the same subjects fill the atmosphere of the room. All is about the future: school, work, relationship plans. I listen to all these mouths talking about their little pleasures, their wonderful moments, while my gaze is lowered to my plate still filled with delicious food, dreaming of a perfect life. Then, comes my turn. I shrug in answer to all their questions. I don’t know where I want to go. I don’t know what I want to do and where I see myself working for the rest of my life. I don’t know if I want to get married, to have children. I don’t know any answer to these questions and it scares me. It terribly scares me.

Once the family dinner is over, the cube become totally transparent is plunged into the void, I feel levitate. I am good, laying down in nothing at all, only surrounded by empty space, the arms moving like they want. My eyes are closed and I let myself drift to a new world. In this space, I don’t know where I’m supposed to go, but I am not afraid. I am not afraid because for the first time, in this space, I feel a thread wind around my ankle, taking me to something new. I feel heat.

In this empty space, pulled by a thread, for the first time I am not feeling alone anymore. I now know that this heat is the answer that I expected for all these questions.

Arrived at the end of the journey, I met this heat. It was like me: lonely. It was empty and withdrawn. Now it is filled with light and it knows where to go. Now hand in hand, our ankles connected to each other, we are flying. High and far, leaving to touch the stars.

Letter #1: One Last Goodbye

Dad,

As long as I remember, I never imagined that one day you would die. I never thought that one day I was going to tell you goodbye. Unfortunately time always takes us by surprise.

Lately, I started to think about it a lot. I think about all our memories. All the time we spent together. I don’t know if where you are now you can rememember me. The picture of my face, the sound of my voice. But I hope you do. Down here, on earth, sometimes I still can hear your voice. I can hear it call my name. I hear it say things I have never heard from your mouth. When it happens, I feel so sad and so embarrased, because I should have told you things I never told you. I should have told you words you needed to hear. Words your heart needed.

Since you’re gone, I see all the mistakes I made. All the things I didn’t do and that I should have done. Now I’m well aware of what I’ve done and I am so sorry about everything. Writing those words down, I can hear your voice near my ear tells me to not be worried and to not look for excuses or to feel sorry about what happened. But I can’t. I can’t live like nothing happened. I can’t walk in the street and look at all those faces while I’m telling to myself that all is alright. Nothing is okay dad.

Nothing is okay because you’re gone. You are gone.

That’s true, I’m trying to move on, to look happy, but it’s often hard. Before, I managed to fake a smile, today I can’t even put a mask on my face. I would like to see you once last time. I would like to talk to you for one more minute. I would like to hear your voice just for one seconde. A very last seconde.

Now all I have is my memories and I am so afraid to lose all of them. I am afraid of losing your memory. To feel your love go away from my body but especially from my heart. I am afraid of my mind forgets you. So tell me how can I be alright or how can I move on in my life, if the fear is living in me?

I wish you were still here, guiding me through the hard times and helping me find the light in the dark tunnel.

I wish you were still here by my side, smiling, laughing, happy.

I wish you were still here to hug me for the first and last time.

 

I love you and I will always do,

 

Your child